IF I HAD A MONKEY...

• I would take my monkey to K-mart, and teach him how to laugh at the cashiers until they cry.
• I would teach him a useful language like French, not that stupid sign-language shit.
• I would shave his little monkey body, tie him in the corner, and make him my gimp.
• I would give him rollerskates.
• I would feed him lots of Ex-lax and laugh as he poops.
• I would cut off one of his legs and laugh at him as he jumped around.
• I would teach him how to smoke crack.
• I would kick him around just to see if pain and torment makes monkeys cry.
• I would never allow him to eat banana pudding after midnight, because he might turn into a Gremlin.
• We would play "The A-Team," and he would be Murdock because Murdock was always funny.  I would be Hannibal.
• I would cover his entire body with bumper stickers, and throw him in the lake.
• I would make him watch "Full Metal Jacket."
• I would re-enact "Full Metal Jacket," with the monkey in the part of Private Pyle.  I think it would be cool to bitch at a monkey.  I would just never give him a gun.
• Our conversations in French would be scintillating.
• I would make him drink a gallon of nail-polish remover.
• I would dip him in Nair and watch him giggle as his hair fell out.  You know, there's nothing quite like a shorn monkey.
• I would take him fishing and use him as bait.
• I would strap him to a remote-controlled airplane and throw him into the lake.
• I would throw him off a building and see if he landed on his legs.
• I would teach him how to play the collected works of Burt Bacharach on the glockenspiel.
• I would buy him glasses and then punch him in the face.
• I would pull out all of his teeth and make him eat corn chowder for the rest of his days.
• I would teach him how to chew tobacco and spit.
• I would show him how to look up dirty pictures on the internet.  Then I would reprimand him severely and take away his internet privileges.
• I would get him all drunk and throw him into the lake.
• I would take him down to the U Inn, because you know they wouldn't card him.
• I would ask him to audition for the Singing Saints, and then when he was done with his audition I would laugh at him and tell him, "We don't allow monkeys into the Singing Saints, you dumb bastard!"
• I would take him to Dana and show him his relatives.
• I would teach him to be a conceited and arrogant bastard like me, and then I would throw him into the lake.
• I would bite off his feet.
• I would buy him a motorcycle, teach him how to ride a motorcycle, then take away his motorcycle and watch him cry.
• I would force-feed him twenty-eight Zip disks.
• I would make him wear diapers.
• I would make him wear knickers.
• I would buy him a set of golf clubs.
• I would install a set of speakers in his stomach and make him listen to Metallica until he vomits.
• I would be a better man.
• I would be a better woman.
• I would be a better lover.
• I would introduce him to Kevin and they could make mad monkey love.
• I would French braid his hair and give him a handlebar mustache.
• I would let my cats beat him up.
• I would give him some marijuana, and if he smoked it I would be forced to smack his bitch up.
• I would teach him that domestic violence is wrong, and then I would beat the shit out of him.
• I would kiss him.
• I would hug him.
• I would realize that you just can't go around beating up monkeys, and I would apologize.  Then I would throw him in the river.
• I would create an animatronic demon monkey and chase my real monkey around with it.
• I would buy my monkey a marionette named Marionetta.
• I would tie string to my monkey and wave him around in the air.
• I would invest in monkey mutual funds.
• I would put my monkey in a toaster, and when he was done I would slather him in butter and perhaps jam.
• I would make him root for truffles in Belgian forests.
• I would play Twister with him, but I would cheat and keep pushing him over.  Then I would take the spinner and smack him with it.
• we would sing and dance at Carnegie Hall.
• we would sing and dance at Dana Dining Hall.
• I would tie antlers to his head and make him climb up on the roof and pretend to be a reindeer.
• I would teach him to love to eat cigar ashes and thus create a living ashtray that would follow me around and consume the byproducts of my foolish cigar habit.
• I would take him to Potsdam, buy him a meat cutting machine, tie him to it, and throw him in the river.
• I would teach him how to play every Nirvana song ever written on the guitar, and I would play the bass, and we would tour the country as "Monkey Nirvana."
• I would trade him in for a flying aardvark!
• I would take him to a rave and smash in his Portishead.
• I would try to instill a fear of butter in my noble monkey.
• I would run him down and beat his bitch ass.
• I would smack his ho ass up.
• I would make him drink forties with me and the homies.
• I would sing him to sleep and strangle him while he sleeps with an electrical cord.
• we would tapdance our way to Nashville superstardom.
• we would learn to love again...  and again...  and again.
• I would forget how he spanked me bottom blue.
• I would spank his bottom blue.
• I would ask him if he wanted a thumb, and if he replied "Yes, i would like a thumb," I would sever his monkey finger that most closely resembles a thumb, run over it with a truck, and throw it in the river.
• Then I would laugh and say, "Silly monkey, now you have neither thumb nor non-opposable digit!"
• I would scan his image into my computer and sell it on all of those monkey porno sites.
• I would give him a paper cut with my birth certificate.
• I would have him vaccinated for measles and mumps.  But not rubella.  Never rubella.
• I would stomp on his monkey feet until he developed ingrown monkey toenails.
• I would stencil him with a Martha Stewart stencil set and then I would drink his blood.
• I would place a guitar capo on his monkey nose and squeeze it until he said "Uncle."
• I would steal his well-deserved paycheck and launder it to the Sandinistas.
• I would make him wear a thong.
• I would strangle him with a thong.
• I would teach him to be an MC like MCA, Mike D and Ad Rock.
• I would force him at knifepoint to apply for a VISA card.
• I would kiss him like he's never been kissed before.
• On the mouth.
• With lots of tongue.
• And no time to breathe.
• I would realize he was a monkey.
• I would realize that I just committed beastiality.
• I would kind of enjoy it, because you know monkeys are amazing lovers.
• I would try to be more like my little Ricardo Montalban.
• I would try to appreciate his companionship, even when he was dead and starting to stink like a dead monkey on a hot day, you know, one of those days so hot that you bake some biscuits and make the gravy in your pants.
• I would try to be a better man.
• I would take him on tour.
• I would throw him out of the moving van as we passed over a bridge.
• I would throw him out of the moving van as we passed over the SUSQUEHANNA!
• I would make him sit with Dan.
• I would give Dan lots of beans.
• I would put that damned monkey in a vat of baked beans and put him in the oven, crank that oven up, and bake that beany monkey until he was a simmery golden brown.
• I would have sex with Grandma Brown, the baked beans lady.  She has an amazing ass.
• I would make the monkey sing at Smith and see if the bitches think he is sexist.
• I would never take my monkey back to Smith.
• I would never take my monkey back to Smith.
• I would never ever take my monkey back to Smith.
• my monkey would hook up at Sage.  You know he would.
• I would steal his vodka and place it in my pants.
• I would throw him off the ferry and watch his non-swimming monkey ass drown.
• I would snicker.
• I would snicker like a damned fool.
• I would listen to Snoop with my monkey.
• he would love Snoop.  Snoop is the shizzat.
• I would Sta my monkey.
• Jonathan would say "Stop that."
• Colonel would get angry.
• I would poke out his eyes with a gummy worm.  Trust me, I'd make it work.
• I would teach my monkey some Shakespeare.  And then he would sit down with his infinite friend monkeys and their infinite typewriters.  My monkey would be the first to type out Bill's collected works.  My monkey is a fucking monkey genius.
• I would sell my monkey to the SSE.  He would make a great monkey actor.  He has a booming voice and such charisma.
• my monkey would take a drink every time I said "Pisa."
• I would introduce my monkey to a girl I'm hitting on.  He would develop an intense attraction to the girl, shove me off the porch swing, and start to kiss her.  All night long.  And then they would email each other constantly and call each other even though they are a million miles apart.  No, wait.  That would be Beerman.
• I would apologize to Beerman.
• not really.
• asshole.
• :o)
• Beerman might tell people about the incident with the diapers and soups, Patti Lupone, a tube of Brylcreem, fourteen Mexican bandits, John Tesh, a Canadian pudding bear, my A-team action figures, a young kitten, Moxy Fruvous, and that thing I don't like about Trish.  And then I'd be really screwed.
• maybe Beerman is my monkey.
• I would beat him.  Every day.  And I would spank him.  I would spank my monkey.
• and that bitch would enjoy it.
• I would introduce my monkey to Dr. Poopenstein.
• Jonathan would be proud that my monkey knew Dr. Poopenstein.
• I would make my monkey into a Republican.
• I would put glue in his belly button and glue his monkey finger to his navel.  If he tried to pull it out, he would disappear.
• I would take my monkey Trick-or-Treating.
• he would be dressed as Dr. Poopenstein.
• I would make him a set of wooden teeth.
• he would wear some nice slacks.
• he would wear chinos or polyester flexslax.
• he would star with Lynn Redgrave in the sequel to "My Pretty Monkey and the Bloody Death Murders."
• I would force my monkey to quit smoking by cutting off his hands each time he smoked.
• he would have a little chubby.
• he would live in Sheboygan.
• he would be a fireman when he grew up.
• he would play soccer and ride horses.
• he would respect all women, except the occasional ho or bitch.
• I would decide to bring some of my hos and bitches to the performance.
• Jonathan would only have one ticket for them hos and bitches, because you know them hos and bitches ain't worth more than three dolla.
• my monkey would vote for Ross "The Crazy Man" Perot.
• I would wrestle with my monkey and bite his ears.
• we would drink plenty of Heineken.
• I would stuff him into my CMR box and he would bite the mail people's hands.
• I would take him to the Pub.
• he would order breadsticks with cheese.
• someone would steal his breadsticks with cheese.
• he would growl and vow revenge.  Oh yes, he would.
• he would contract rubella from Colin.
• he would steal Colin's hat.
• I would staple my monkey to Colin.
• No, wait.  That would make my monkey gay.
• Not that that's a bad thing.
• Fuck you, Smith, btw.
• my monkey would harvest hops and barley in the fields.
• my monkey would dance his happy jig at the end of a hard day's work.
• my monkey would have the ability to make time stop.
• my monkey would have the ability to make beer.
• my monkey would be a living beer dispensing monkey.
• my monkey would never fall in love.  Love is dangerous and painful.  Monkeys just don't need to deal with that.
• I would have my monkey screened for scoliosis.
• I would have my monkey's gimpy polio leg amputated.
• he could use JB's crutch.
• he would laugh at her presentation on the Sumo culture.
• my monkey would throw paper towels around.
• my monkey would be happy and pretty and nice.
• I would dick my monkey over.
• I would make my monkey go to re-registration for me.  He would sign me up for the best courses.  He would sign me up for monkey politics, monkey economics, monkey math, and monkey music.
• my monkey would like hot pizza.
• I would laminate my monkey, and store him in the cellar.
• I would set my monkey on fire with rubbing alcohol, and then i would run around dancing, laughing, and singing the "My Monkey Is Like Kitty Dukakis" song.
• I would tie-dye my monkey.
• I would tie up my monkey.
• I would throw him in the river.
• he would die.
• I would tattoo "Document: Done" on my monkey's forehead.
• I would repent.
• I would treat my monkey like a happy little princess.
• I would dress up my monkey like a happy little princess.
• I would beat my monkey's happy little princess bitch ass.
• I would throw my monkey into the air, and where he landed, the earth would split open and Superman's house would appear.
• I would smack my monkey around with a chunk of Kryptonite.
• I would hit him with my fists.
• I would become an anthropologist.
• I would make my monkey wear safety goggles, and whenever he took them off, I would throw nails into his eyes.
• I would drive over my monkey with a tractor and take him to the barn dance.
• I would take my monkey to Conjunto San Lorenzo.
• he would joke about the name and Jonathan would smack him.
• I would gather all of my monkey's belongings and send them to the Pakistanis.
• I would tackle my monkey and make him hit his head on the sidewalk.
• I would squirt shaving cream into my monkey's eyes.
• I would proceed to shave my monkey's eyes.
• I would set my monkey on fire with a halogen lamp.
• I would set my halogen lamp on fire with my monkey.
• I would hang my monkey from the smoke alarm.
• my monkey would engage in auto-erotic asphixiation.
• I would break his knees.  But on different days.
• Thursday would be a special day.  It would always be reserved for breaking one of my monkey's knees.  The other knee would be broken on a random surprise day.
• I would squeeze my monkey to show him how much I appreciate his companionship.
• I would squeeze him hard.
• he would turn a sickly shade of blue.
• I would chop him into little pieces and stew him up in a crock pot, with carrots and potatos.
• I would give my monkey a credit card, and if he could not use his credit card responsibly, I would cut him in half.
• I would forbid my monkey from making any booty calls.
• Especially if he uses the line, "Yeah, so...  You know, I have a whole refrigerator full of beer, and you know we have to clean out our fridges before we leave for Thanksgiving Break, so you should come over and we'll drink up all the beer and be all stupid."
• That's my line.
• I would never ever give my monkey the Game Plate.
• I might however give him a good swift boot to the skull.
• I would do my damnedest to ensure that my particular monkey became extinct.
• I would never let him sit on the porch swing.
• or the patio furniture.
• and he would never be allowed to sip mint juleps.
• he would never be allowed to drink my booze.
• I would hire a landscape designer to build my monkey a wonderous playland that looked like a jungle so my monkey could enjoy his leisure time there.  Unfortunately for my monkey, I would hire a demented landscape designer to create a jungle playland filled with booby traps and unneccessary dangerous evil devices with which I would turn my monkey's leisure time into a struggle between the forces of good and evil and life and death.
• I would drown my monkey in delicious chocolate pudding.
• I would pickle my monkey and store him in the cellar for a special Sunday dinner.
• I would smother my monkey with an enchanting thanksgiving napkin that is printed with a delightful picture of a turkey on it.
• Colonel would make that funny turkey sound and my monkey would simply shit himself silly.
• my monkey would ask me if he could borrow my glasses and I would cut off his tongue, mail it to his grandmother monkey, and a meteor would fall out of the sky and kill her and demolish her trailer park.
• I would beat my monkey with the knobby end of the ugly stick.
• I would dunk my monkey in the retard pail.
• I'd take a half-gallon of that, let me tell ya!
• you can draw her, and then I will talk about her body parts!
• Colonel would make that godawful car-crash sound.
• buh-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-buh a-ROOOOOOOOOOO!
• my monkey would do extensive research on Hanukkah and present a lesson about the music and stories of Hanukkah.
• I would light my monkey on fire with the menorah.
• Jonathan would make that face and terrify my monkey.
• my monkey would oppose Perestroika.
• I would filet my monkey, butter him up, pop him in a Frydaddy and frizzle his bitchass honey-golden-brown.
• I would buy my monkey a midget.
• my monkey's midget's name would be Lorenzo.
• or Maurice.
• Lorenzo would be an retard amputee midget with a speech impediment, dandruff, and a foul disposition.
• he would always carry around a five-gallon bucket of Crisco for those special occasions.
• they would have a hard time cleaning all of that lard off the ceiling, let me tell you.
• we would buy two chinchillas.  We would name them Jean-Luc and Pierre.  We would harass them relentlessly.  Relentlessly, I tell you.  Relentlessly.
• we would sing about tomorrow, but tomorrow would never come.
• I would sell my monkey to Colm Wilkinson to be his "sweat bucket boy."
• Vicky Vallencourt would show him her boobies and he would like them, too.
• he might actually have a reason to stay for the XO party.
• I would shove Altoids into my monkey's mouth until his cheeks melted.
• I would send my monkey over to Culpepper's office to get him to sign the goddamned permission slip.
• I would make my monkey go Xerox articles at the library.
• there would be hell to pay at the end of the day.
• I would steal a kiss.  My monkey would never speak to me again.  I would regret.  Things would be awkward.
• I would have a threesome with my monkey and his little monkey friend Marcel.
• it is time for kink, Loppy!
• I would dress my monkey in pajamas and shoot him out of a cannon.
• I would send my monkey over to Canton Tech to sing.
• my monkey would never go back to Canton Tech to sing.
• my monkey would steal ornaments from the Chi O Christmas tree.
• Jaime and Kate would take him upstairs and spank his bottom blue.
• I would staple my monkey to one of Obiora's articles.
• I would make my monkey eat a glue stick.
• I would buy my monkey two sets of fifty small white Christmas lights, two bags of thirty-five plastic dinosaurs, a multi-colored ball point pen, and a box of cheap condoms.
• I would tie my monkey up with Christmas lights, shove plastic dinosaurs up his butt, poke his eyes out with my multi-colored ball point pen, and hell, just guess what the rubbers are for...
• I would steal approximately three thousand red stir straws for my monkey.
• my monkey and I would celebrate Hanukah, the Jewish festival of lights.
• I would bludgeon my monkey with a menorrah.
• I would smack my monkey upside the head with a dreidel until his ears bled.
• the words on a dreidel mean "A great miracle happened here/there," don't they, Colonel?
• I would pour hot melted candle wax all over my monkey.
• I would mistake my monkey for a "Saw-Down-Your-Own-Christmas-Tree" and I would saw him down.
• hey monkey!
• (ooh ooh ooh ah ah?)
• hey monkey!
• (ooh ooh ooh ah ah?)
• show us how to get down!
• (ooh ooh.)
• show us how to get down!
• (ooh ooh!)
• my monkey would tap dance.
• my monkey would know how the Llama Girl sounds when she has sex.
• my monkey would know when there are no llamas included at the Pub concert.
• It's a llama, biatch! ehehehehehehehe!
• I would send my naughty monkey to London to live with Jonathan for a semester.
• Jonathan would show my monkey Big Ben.
• no, not that Big Ben.
• heh heh...
• I would butter up my monkey and he would butter up his midget and we would go to the butter festival and dance all night long under the summer stars.
• I would buy my monkey a universal remote control.
• my monkey would be able to finally control his toasteroven from the warmth and comfort of his La-Z-Boy.
• I would give my monkey a pocketwatch and then staple a pocket to his mangy hide so he could store his watch in it.
• I would beat my monkey to death with a slide projector.
• I would buy my monkey a modem, rewire his household telephone system, set up an ISP account for him, and then strangle him to death with some fine hemp rope.
• I would feed my monkey Lifesavers until he choked.
• if my monkey ever had gastrointestinal distress, I would calmly dial 911, and then I would beat him to death with a common toilet plunger.
• you know, a good midget is like a good dog.  You don't kill 'em, but when they die, you cook 'em.
• I would make my monkey perform feats of hard manual labor at a local dairy farm.  It would not only build muscle, but it would also build character.  When my monkey had had enough muscle and character, I would instruct the farmer to take him out into the back forty and shoot him.
• I would take my monkey to a local hick bar on New Year's Eve.
• he would have a great time drinking beer with the consistency and quality of the urine of a syphillitic dog on a hot summer say.
• he would play pool and resoundingly beat Beerman's bitch ass all the way to the bank.
• he would wake up the next morning and think "What the hell happened to me?  I am a puddle of shit!"
• I would perform scientific tests on my monkey to ascertain whether or not he should be shot into space on a rocketship.
• my tests would be inconclusive.
• I would give up and shoot my monkey into space on a rocketship anyways.
• my monkey would collect tachyons and therefore fade into phase space into the past at speeds faster than light.
• my monkey would appear decades ago on a grassy knoll holding a german-made submachine gun.
• my monkey would panic and shit all over the place.
• he would shift back into our time at speeds faster than light and overshoot his escape trajectory and travel into the future, where he would meet the robot monkeys that rule the Earth in the far far future.
• he would hook up with Dr. Zira.
• Cornelius would object.
• my monkey would kick Cornelius's ass and take Dr. Zira home.
• my monkey would listen to fun music produced by the latest European dance sensations.
• my monkey would appear as a ghost image in photographs taken decades ago in England.
• I would have to flay him for that one, let me tell you!
• I would drown my monkey in yogurt.
• I would cook my monkey some cucumber surprise.  As I ladled him a heaping plateful, he would ask me, "Paul, what, perchance, is the 'surprise' in cucumber surprise?"  I would proceed to bludgeon him to death and throw him into the pot along with all the cucumbers.
• "Surprise!"
• I would place my monkey into the Crisco Playpen.
• I would love to dance.
• I would name my monkey "Lily."
• I would force my monkey to join the Navy, where he would meet a lot of interesting semen.
• *ahem* I mean seamen.
• my monkey would be a prima ballerina.
• my monkey could dance at any strip club on the strip.
• my monkey could strip at any dance club on the strip.
• my monkey would be cast in the new Star Wars movie as an Ewok.
• they would cut his scene and all scenes that deal with Ewoks because they're the worst thing to happen to Star Wars since Mark Hamill's motorcycle accident.
• I would send my monkey to Nebraska.
• I would send my monkey to get me some corn.
• I like corn.
• I would instill within my monkey a voracious love of Elvis memorabilia.
• I would threaten my monkey with the blade of a circular saw.
• I would threaten my monkey with the blade of a hacksaw.
• hell, I'd threaten my monkey with the blade of any saw if it made him cry!
• my monkey would be a diplomatic sort, and as such, he would know when to shut up.
• I would instill within my monkey a healthy fear of banana bread and certain types of grain.
• my monkey would perform at the next Lilith Fair with Paula Cole and the rest of the hairy creatures of the sisterhood.
• I would become rather concerned that my treatment of my monkey would produce within his feeble primate mind a thirsty blood lust.
• for my blood.
• I would become really paranoid.
• I would stay at home and lock myself into the bathroom with a supply of Dinty Moore Beef Stew.
• I would be able to hear my monkey knock down my front door.
• his monkey pitter-pattery footsteps would inch ever-closer to the bathroom door.
• I would hear him singing his song of blood lust.
• *scratch scratch* would be the sound his monkey fingernails would make as they scritchy-scratch across my bathroom door.
• the doorknob would begin to turn...
• I would raise up a can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew in readiness to bludgeon my blood-thirsty monkey to death.
• my monkey would stand in the doorway with a ukelele and a bunch of flowers and he would sing the monkey song of forgiveness.
• I would cry tears of joy.
• I would then proceed with my original plan of bludgeoning my monkey to death with a can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew.
• all would then be well.
• I would buy my monkey new sneakers.
• I would make my monkey watch the movie "Sneakers."
• I would dress my monkey up like Robert Redford.
• I would shoot my little Robert Redford in the belly.
• I would tuck back in my monkey's intestines.
• I would cook him a delicious burger.
• a monkey burger.
• my monkey would be a cannibal.
• I would beat my monkey with a tire knocker.
• I would show him what a shove stick is for, by god!
• I would perform acupuncture on my monkey with three hundred red stir straws.
• I would entitle him "Red Stir Straw Monkey Number Seven."
• I would submit him to the student art show.
• I would be approached by an obnoxious French art critic named Serge Gabois.
• I would sell my newfound devotee Serge my monkey art.
• I would cut my monkey in half every time the Dow drops.
• I would cut my monkey in thirds every time the Dow rises.
• I would have my monkey beat the shit out of my Serbian terrorist neighbor.
• I would take my monkey to the new Dana Dining Hall and drown him in the softserve machine.
• my monkey would have a hull breach.
• my monkey would dispense lard from his bellybutton.
• or at least I think that is lard.
• what the hell is that anyways, monkey?
• maybe I should take my monkey to the doctor.
• or at least the dentist.  He has gingivitis.
• my monkey would be a Weaver at Moving Up Day.
• he would sing that terrible song.
• my monkey would be a guest star on "Felicity."
• he would nail Keri Russell.
• oh yes, he would nail Keri Russell.
• I would take my monkey on Laurentians tour.
• he would get absolutely hammered on the day we departed and not be completely sober until approximately three weeks after tour ended.
• he would be a member of the luggage crew.
• he would have to stay in the luggage compartment.
• he would be a wonderful skier.
• he would ride the lift back down the mountain and he would fall off.
• he would be attacked by a terrible sasquatch on the slopes.
• he would run into Beerman to stop his forward momentum.
• he would turn 21 and we would get him hammered.  Oh yes, we would get him hammered.
• he would join his fellow retards at halftime at the Celtics game.
• he would never dribble.
• well, at least he would never dribble the basketball.
• he would go to the aquarium and we would throw him in when it is time to feed the shark.
• he would steal a penguin.
• he would get lost on the T and ride it around for an hour.
• he would put the moves on the Sam Adams Brewery tourguide.
• hell, maybe I should have put the moves on the Sam Adams Brewery tourguide.
• he would convince Bury to become a porn star.
• Bury Torres: Porn Star.
• my monkey would always get all liquored up.
• my monkey would always get all lickered up.
• heh heh...
• my monkey would play the maracas in the Farley ensemble and he would solo on "Stardust."
• my monkey would fly to Georgia.
• he would travel to Wheaton and steal some hearts.
• he would travel to Wheaton and steal some CDs.
• he would have heart palpitations and I would fuck his shit up with a butter knife.
• I would tickle my monkey with a backhoe.
• I would tickle my monkey with a dimebag ho.
• I would take my monkey out on the quad during Senior Week and rail him all night long.
• I would dedicate a song to my monkey-- I mean, um, my mother-- during Spring Concert.
• HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH AHAH AHA AHAHA AHAAAAAH AHA AHAHHHHHHHAA AHA AHA AH AHA AHA HA!  HA HA HA! HAH.  HA.  HEH HEH.  heh.  heh heh.  hmmmm...  *sigh.*
• *sigh* again.
• *whimper.*
• okay I'm finished.
• I would tie so many rubber bands around my monkey's head that his brain would fall out.
• I would make my delicious and savory monkey-brain parfait.
• I would take my monkey out on my date with Beth Orton.
• she would sing that "I wish I never saw the sunshine" song and my monkey would cry his little monkey ass off.
• I would buy my monkey an 8.5-inch cigar.
• I would shove that cigar where the sun don't shine, light it up, and seal up my monkey for good.
• I would drop a large subwoofer onto my monkey from the roof of a tall building.
• I would club my monkey to death with a bottle of champagne, then drink some vodka.
• I would club my monkey to death with a bottle of vodka, then drink some champagne.
• I would eviscerate my monkey, whatever that means.
• he would be absolutely lascivious and licentitious.
• I would use a Sharpie marker to permanently color my monkey's eyeballs black.
• I would Velcro my monkey to the back seat of a Studebaker.
• I would push that Studebaker off a cliff.
• I would shout "Who's movin' right along now, monkey?  Who's movin' right along now??" down at my falling monkey.
• my monkey would exhibit fourteen of the twenty signs of alcoholism.
• I would establish a household hierarchy wherein I would be the ruler of the household at the top of the chain, immediately followed by my monkey, who would be given a stick with which to discipline the unfortunate bottom rung on the hierarchy, a cat acquired solely for the purpose of being the bottom rung of the hierarchy.  I would periodically order my monkey to beat the cat, but I myself would never touch the cat.  My beatings would be reserved for the monkey if he failed to carry out my orders to beat the cat.  The cat would therefore despise the monkey, and the monkey would despise me, but I would be entirely isolated from the cat's hatred because I would deny all responsibility.
• I would tenderize my monkey with Monkey Meat Tenderizer.
• hey, that would be a pretty funny name for my schlong...   the Meat Tenderizer.
• heh heh.  Chocolate Thunder.
• I would bestow upon my monkey the lovely Porn Name "Dick Watson-Moorehead."
• I would butter my monkey.
• read into that what you will.
• I would put my monkey in my will as my sole beneficiary and then I would take the Immortality Serum I have been perfecting and I would stab my monkey with a frozen tuna fin.
• I would make my monkey harvest the corn.
• I would take my monkey to the river and place his in a small basket.
• my monkey's name would be "Moses."
• I would club Moses to death with two large stone tablets.
• I would break my monkey's heirloom hairbrush in half and then I would drive my pickup truck over his grandmother.
• I would feed him telephones.
• my monkey would abhor yellow paper.
• my monkey would do WHAT to a whore on some yellow paper?
• well, hell, I wouldn't really blame him.
• damn it all, my monkey gets more action than I do for chrissakes.
• I would "Mix Down" my monkey, if you know what I mean.
• I would "Remix" my monkey, if you know what I mean.
• heh heh.  Ever seen a monkey on fire, pissing all over the place?
• You will soon.  Look out the window.
• I would sell my monkey to the Pirates.
• I would sell my monkey to the Butt Pirates.
• they would bugger my monkey six ways to Sunday.
• they would bugger my monkey across the seven seas.
• Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of WHAT, dear monkey?
• heh heh.  bugger.
• I would name my monkey "Franky."
• I would proceed to bludgeon Franky to death with a shovel.
• Speaker wire?  Great way to strangle a monkey.
• Baler twine?  Just as good.
• I would make my monkey tapdance until I beat him with a curtain rod.  Then I would make him tapdance some more.
• I would send my monkey on a date with Jennifer Gray of "Dirty Dancing" fame.
• Jennifer Gray would slit my monkey's throat in his sleep after they made love.
• my monkey would be one fucking lucky monkey to die like that.
• I would make my monkey some rhubarb pudding.
• heh heh...  Rhubarb bush.
• my monkey would always get stuck in the toasteroven.
• my monkey would prefer decaffeinated coffee.
• my monkey would prefer diet cola.
• I would prefer that my monkey die a horrible and painful death.
• I would check my monkey for scabies.
• I would check my monkey for rabies.
• I would check my monkey for babies.
• if my monkey had been unfaithful, I would nail his mouth shut and eat a delicious pastrami sandwich in front of him, therefore making him very hungry and jealous.
• I would tie my monkey to a large pimentoloaf and throw him into the Grasse River down by the Jubilee.
• my monkey would be the new Marlboro Man, except for the fact that he would be a monkey and not a man so technically he would be the Marlboro Monkey, but he doesn't even smoke because he's Straight Edge so that would be pretty pointless.
• I would shoot my monkey in the head out of spite for not being the Marlboro Monkey.
• I would introduce him to the Booze Pig.
• I would shove pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, fifty-cent pieces, and silver dollars up his ass.
• the Booze Pig would proclaim, "So how do YOU like it, you fucking monkey?  Huh?  How do YOU like it?"
• my monkey would turn tail and run.
• my monkey would turn into a gazelle and run like the wind.
• I would turn my monkey into a delicious gazelle/monkey cobbler.
• I would hire a cobbler to fuck my monkey with a shoe that he has not yet repaired.
• I would punch my monkey in the mouth and break out all his front teeth.
• I would give my monkey a set of dentures and then drill holes in his kneecaps.
• I would refer to my monkey as "Nancy."
• Nancy would give head like a champ.
• I would go clubbing with my monkey.
• that is, I would use a club to beat my monkey to death.
• then I would go out dancing.
• and drinking.
• and screwing.
• I like to dance and drink and screw.
• Yardwork!
• I would smack my monkey with a copy of Stephen D. Katz's "Film Directing Shot by Shot."
• I would throw my monkey out into the storm and laugh at him from the warm confines of my snuggly cabin.
• I would drop a 17" monitor off a 17-story building.
• on to my monkey's head.
• *splat!*
• I love you, Francine II.
• and I still love you, Francine.
• I would crush my monkey underneath a gigantic concrete panda bear.
• I would crush my monkey underneath a gigantic concrete panda bear.
• I would crush my monkey underneath a gigantic concrete panda bear.
• I would not crush my monkey underneath a gigantic concrete panda bear.
• I would shoot him.
• in the belly.
• I would sell my monkey to Belle and Sebastian.
• They would write a funny Scottish pop song about my monkey.
• I would stuff my monkey full of Molson Golden beer bottle caps.
• I would send my monkey to rescue the Princess from the evil Emperor of Evil.
• I would carve my monkey into a phallic sculpture.
• I would bludgeon my monkey with a gallon bucket of vanilla ice cream.
• I would train my monkey to look up the skirts of beautiful women, just so I could watch them beat him with sticks in anger.
• Then I would seduce them.
• Oh yes.  I would seduce them.
• I would Sebadoh my monkey.
• I would take my monkey to the car wash and drown him in soap suds.
• I would cover my monkey in ChapStick.
• I would bleed my monkey for fun and profit.
• my monkey would pop.
• I would tackle my monkey in the end zone.
• I would drill holes into my monkey and make him drink a large beverage just to see if the aforementioned large beverage would leak from the aforementioned holes.