Hiya Kiddies!  This Little Corner of the World Wide Web is called, appropriately enough:
IF I HAD A MONKEY...
and this is the place where we Answer all of Your Questions!

Why, you ask?  I started the original Monkey Page on resurrender.com with the intention of pissing off Animal Rights people.  I hate monkeys.  I love monkeys.  I started writing a List of Things that I would do If I Had a Monkey.  It quickly became one of the most popular pages on resurrender.com, and continues to be heavily-hit to this day, although i have not updated the original list since the fall of 1999.  Hell, I don't know why people search for things like "KINKY MONKEY FUCK SEX TITS" and "STINKY ORANGUTAN FLESHPOT WILLY" and "HAMBURGER MONKEY VOMIT TROLLOPS" and get sent to my monkey page.  But one thing that I do know...  PEOPLE LIKE TO READ ABOUT MONKEYS IN PAIN.  That is why I decided to start ifihadamonkey.com, so that the preverted masses would have a place to read about someone doing horrible things to monkeys.  This page is registered with RSAC and IRCA in a futile attempt to keep the kiddies out, because I do not believe that children should be reading this shit, and any responsible parent will filter my sites from their browsers anyways.  So sit back, enjoy, and if you are one of the Aforementioned Animal Rights People, feel free to write to me to tell me what a horrible person I am.
 

What, praytell, is a monkey?

Monkeys are amazing little creatures that would resemble Mark Brand if they only had more body hair.  Monkeys live in the jungle and in the forest and on the savannah and in trailer parks.  I should point out that I don't consider those damned chimps and orangutans real monkeys; they're just little people who didn't try hard enough to evolve.  Real monkeys are those silly little retarded creatures with tails that live in jungles and act timid when you kick them.  No, not midgets.  Monkeys.   Midgets are technically humans.  Those are real monkeys, and the rest can just shut up already.  My parents once lived above a little old lady who owned a monkey and the monkey would purposefully climb up the heat ducts and steal pieces of cheese from my parents' refrigerator.  Not really, but it would have been cool.  I mean, they did live above a monkey and all, but it didn't steal cheese from their refrigerator.  Sadly, the monkey was kind of an alcoholic and he would get all boozed up and then climb up the heating duct and try to tie my mother into the corner with old scraps of gaffer's tape he acquired while working in the Monkeys' Gaffers Union.  Mom always escaped, because the silly little bastard would never tie her hands.  You see, he simply wasn't tall enough to reach her hands.  He did trip her up with the gaffer's tape several times, causing general unrest and severe bruises to her shins.  Then one day my father had had enough of coming home to find his wife taped up by a drunk monkey, so he poured some Drano into the monkey's open mouth, and the monkey's hair turned blue and fell out.  He ran from the apartment, and to this day there are rumors of "the hideous blue-haired gaffer's-tape-harassing stinky monkey" running around taping people and drinking way too much.  This page is dedicated to all the monkeys of the world.

YOUR BASIC EVERYDAY MONKEYS:
 

	THE TIMID MINKIE MONKEY, KNOWN FOR HIS SUBTLE MONKEY CHARISMA AND JOIE DE VIVRE.  THE MINKIE MONKEY WILL BITE YOU IF YOU LET HIM.  HE ALSO LIKES TO BE BITTEN.  HARD. MINKIE MONKEYS LIVE IN KANSAS, AND THEY PLAY BINGO AT THE LEGION EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT BEFORE THEY GO TO THE LOCAL RAVE AND GET ALL HEPPED UP ON THE SMACK.
	YOUR COMMON TRUFFLE MONKEY IS A DELICIOUS COMBINATION OF CHOCOLATE LIQUEUR AND CREAMY NOUGAT FILLING.  POP A TRUFFLE MONKEY IN YOUR MOUTH AND THERE'S NO CHANCE IN HELL YOU'LL EVER TURN BACK.   DON'T INDULGE IN TOO MANY THOUGH, GRANDMA.  TRUFFLE MONKEYS ARE 175 PROOF.
	THE STINKY MONKEY JUST CAN'T HELP IT.  HE LIKES CHEESE.
	THE CUDDLE MONKEY LIKES TO CUDDLE, BUT HE NEVER EVER LETS YOU GET PAST FIRST BASE.  YOU'RE A LUCKY BASTARD IF YOU EVEN GET A KISS GOODNIGHT, IN FACT.
	THE SQUEEZY MONKEY JUST BEGS TO BE SQUEEZED.  SO YOU SQUEEZE HIM.  AND YOU SQUEEZE HIM. AND YOU SQUEEZE HIM SOME MORE.  AND WHEN YOU'RE DONE AND THERE'S NOTHING LEFT BUT A PUDDLE OF MUSHY SQUEEZY MONKEY, YOU'LL FEEL OH SO GOOD.  OH SO GOOD.
	THE DUNG MONKEY LIKES TO CARRY AROUND BIG BALLS OF WHITE SHIT.  DON'T BLAME HIM.  HIS MOTHER BEAT HIM AS A CHILD MONKEY.